I am a person of routine. Whether its holidays or a workday or weekly bachelor nights with my friends, for me there is reassurance in the predictability of a schedule. Of course the flipside is that nothing throws me into an anxious spiral more than change and upheaval. Naturally the current pandemic has thrown that into sharp relief, as everything I previously took for granted, such as weekly rehearsals or planning for the holidays, is now thrown into flux and nothing looks familiar.
Clearly what I loved wasn’t so much the routine, but the sense of control that routine gave me. It is a comforting lie to tell ourselves that keeping a schedule and making our to-do lists gives us control over our lives and lets us predict the outcome. But as the psalmist reminds us, only God knows what our future holds because He is the one who created it for us. At the same time He knows our frustrations and fears about the future, especially in such a time of upheaval, and reminds us that His hand is upon us still. He is both behind us to support us and in front of us to lead us along the path. He has a plan and a reason for our trials even when it is not obvious to us here on Earth.
The need for control over my life is perhaps the biggest struggle I face in my relationship with God. It is terrifying to admit that my plan for my life is not always the same as His plan for me. But at the same time, who am I to say I know better than God? Who am I to say that my desires for comfortable normalcy are more important than what God has planned? God does not ask us when we have room in our calendars for Him. Instead, God continues to lead us down the path He created for us, no matter how many twists and turns there may be along the way.
I can look back on my life and see how His hand was guiding me through trials and bringing me to a better place, even if I may have come kicking and screaming at times. But I can see that going through the uncertainty and upheaval was necessary to get to where I am today, so I have to trust that this time of uncertainty will end and I will be able to see the “why.” And make no mistake, it is scary to let go and trust in Him fully! But following God’s plan, not our plan, is the way to eternal life. And fortunately, He will always be with us no matter what.